two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
of course. lets lasso hookers.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
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