I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
We left the knife in your bed.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
