he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
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