You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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