FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
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