i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
