He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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