I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
