I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
