the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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