Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
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