Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
