Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
My vagina is very pro this idea
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Randomize
