Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
