Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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