if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
He? As in you personified your dick?
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Randomize
