Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
