it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
