If that was your dad, he is hot
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
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