I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Randomize
