No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
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