I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
sick fucks of a feather flock together
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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