Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
