so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
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