If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
