mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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