someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
