shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
