Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Randomize
