Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
