I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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