i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
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