After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
