come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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