Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
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