I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
Randomize
