the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Randomize
