Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
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