My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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