So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
Randomize
