Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Randomize
