i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
Randomize
