I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
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