yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Help. Why am I so naked?
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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