I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
He passed out mid-signature
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
