I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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