The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
