Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Randomize
