I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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