When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
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